P:C - Breaking the Heart of Stone

My story begins about four years ago, actually. It’s not so much about how I reached out, but how God reached out to me.

I went on a nine-month mission trip right after I graduated from high school. Things I experienced there in the Middle East and also in Sri Lanka following the 2004 tsunami and also some personal stuff that happened in my life made me gradually harden my heart. My gift is giving mercy, but I didn’t realize then that to suffer with others, to have compassion and mercy on them, to feel for them the slightest bit of what God feels for them may actually bring my heart to pain. Seeing what I did, hearing the stories of the tsunami survivors, realizing that being middle-class in America means being rich to the rest of the world, and later being abandoned by someone who was supposed to watch out for me… this made me want to stop following, to stop loving. So I did.

It wasn’t until last year that I started to forgive myself, “forgive” God (Although He did nothing wrong.) for what I thought He did that was bad (I held Him accountable for what happened with the tsunami, and that was silly and wrong.), and to forgive others.

But I didn’t feel; my heart wasn’t awake until this past week. There were times when it would wake up for a moment, but not until this week has it been awake day in and day out. I can’t express here what that means really. My heart is His again! I love again. I’m not afraid of people anymore like I used to be. I am learning to love, to trust… I don’t know how to say what I want to say.

I can feel again: cry again, really laugh again, love – God has really filled my heart with love again. Thank God!

I’m sorry this is long – I’m not the best writer.

But God has taken my heart of stone and has given me a heart of flesh. I pray I have the wisdom to use this wonderful, beautiful gift for His glory this time.

I want you to know, my heart is what was in my hand, and it is His now. My education is what was in my hand, but it is His now. My debts – school loans – were in my hands and Heaven only knows why God wants them, but they are His now. (Does God really ask for that stuff? I like my God!)

I think that is kind of what I felt I needed to say. It’s the truth. God has done everything for me and me nothing for Him. How is it then that He loves me more than I love Him?